Wednesday, May 18, 2005
My Friend
woke up this morning with cold dissonance, it was so bitter that any movement of the tongue would twist my throat, in every condescending way. Revolting taste, metallic.
How can a friendship, built on trust and love, break away in the most unforgiving way. I feared this day, since 5 years ago, before he set his foot in armyhood. I recalled how I would write letters so that both Zahdan and him would remember me. I recalled the times i knew he would become a blooming doctor, how mixed I felt. Delirious and sad at the same time. There was a fine line between paranoia and care. Like how moms cry when their children get married. Since then I began to miss the times we spent in TJC, all those times, I looked out for Qader instead of him. My sweet friend now, lies listless in his bed, I know in his heart, there were no thoughts of me, and thats how our friendship diluted into nothingness.
It all began when I watched him change. Into something uncomprehensible, he and his dance troupe, always having their own brand of fun. I seemed to get displaced, no more talking to myra about how complicated life is, no more sms-es that asked for chilling out sessions with myra. But of course Myra, doesnt have a bike...I told him, or I explained it explicitly, why I do not fancy his dance troupe, although I supported him in all his dance concerts known to me. I remembered how my heart sang to know, he is up there on stage paving his way to professional-hood. He told me once, how he was amazed by professionals who have another field of profession, totally unrelated to their fields. like doctors who are professional writers and poets. I bet he wants to be a doctor and a professional dancer, ballet.
Haha, Par, lei, ruI missed those times, when we would chill at Borders, all so beatiful times, when I would take a medical book and ask if he knows it. I would then test him on some facts, obviously obscure to me. We would laze oursleves on the floor and look thru the books, especially on American Literature and Asian fictions. He told be I should read Catherin Lim. Sometimes I wished I financially well-off the get those books. His synopsis of the books he read was intriguing. I celebrated his interest and knowledge with enthusiasm, so he would feel so gleeful with life he is facing. Its fun to hang out, talking from politics to family life. On the trips home, I think about how insecure I would be if he is not around. No more bickering on silly things, no more laughing at little things which amused us. No more telling Myra how will he did in school. I just knew one day, I will loose him to the US.Well, we are just friends anyway..
I glanced at the past, collect my thoughts, feelings and memories of what used to be and stood on a suspended bridge, beneath which is a long flowing river. I look forward, in resolute. One by one, I toss those things into the river, with pain and agony and tears. Its the things that he didnt do, didnt say to make things right. It is preoccupation with his own thoughts, his own confused emotions, his own say which blew me off. It is the fact that he doesnt apologise everytime this happens. It is the time when he drives me aside, drives me away, that makes me give up. I looked at the river with a reversed sense of satisfaction. I felt so cold inside out. Now, I cant run to anyone I really trust and cherish, whenever I fall. I cant run to anyone who would swallow my sorrows and digest it into simply things I could conceive easily.
I ask myself why, when this happens to Zahdan, he would apologise and try make things right. He would be nicer to Lina, even when I stood by him most of the times, when he ask for some help. He is nicer to everyone else, but me, when in hung out in a group.
I miss yet another person who means the world to me. He went past me and never stopped to look if I was alright with his change. Maybe I was deluded into thinking that our friendship would transcend time. Maybe I was deluded into thinking our friendship meant alot. Maybe I was just too nice to him.
I said my prayers and hug myself to sleep with a hope I awake tomorrow, with another new found friend.
Last night, we unavoidably met. I sensed irritation. If its not for Zahdan, I would have never have to meet blank him again.
Myra Abd Kadir~ at 08:57
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Japanese Anyone? handy with sticks
Myra Abd Kadir~ at 01:53
Monday, May 02, 2005
'Sphere'~
Myra Abd Kadir~ at 17:31
