Monday, July 11, 2005
miss FIT
where do i fit in?
in people's lives, in those lives that really matter to me.
who matters to me?
thats the question.
sometimes i envy doctors, psychiatrists, enginneers, authors and all professions
the world just cant do without them
how their own family members hold them in recognition
their lives interspersed with important routines which kept the world ticking
their existence matters more than an average man,
their profession if a gift of good traits they were destined to have,
however
'professional' they are.
what am i?
who mattered?
does my presence create an impact i long to live for?
i looked in retrospect and shudder. i could count the number of people who actually cared if I. Hmmm, this calls for a
speculation,
an internal audit. Have I lost touch with anyone who wanted to be my friend?
Yes, sometimes I feel having relationships, normal relationships with people very troubling. There is this anxiety I get when friendships try to bloom. I can reach them only if they persue it or after I have gone through a hard time unintentionally. I am reserved, feeling of claustrophobia gives me a fainting feeling. I know there are a few
twerpies I heard from, callin me
stuck up and hey! No offense! It takes one bitch to know another, right? Relationships are the hardest thing I could maintain. It affects alot of me, negatively. In the sense that, I am afraid to care, to love and to show concern. To reach someone at another level, to be completely open to another individual of my deep secrets and troubles. I just cant, unlike most of my friends.... Sometimes it scares me to think that one day, i might just not love anymore. It even worries me when my collection of inanimate friends grew in abundance, while my collection of humans friends disappear.
I dont know, maybe I don matter as much as I want myself to be. Its like the saying,
"Respect has to be earned"If i wanna be visible in the eyes of those who cares, I have to work on it. I gotto to learn to trust, to love and to care. Even if I fall into the same trap of being taken for granted, so that at the end of the day, I matter to them. I matter to the world. My existence counts. Don wann be like just anybody but a real somebody... ;)
Back to earth, I wanna say I love Lina, my buddy. I miss the times we spent in Sec Sch. I think I took her for granted.
Dad, I love every bit of you.
Myra Abd Kadir~ at 22:11
