Sunday, March 19, 2006
Me and the Sky
Semua tak Sama - PadiJohn sent me alil somethin to soothe my thoughts, Thnks Buddy.
I walked down my fav. lil path towards home, after payin my bills at AXS. My mind recollected the lyrics of the song, as I gazed and muzed under the litted dark blue canvas above.
Yea, I know I shouldn't ever compare the dudes I meet to the one I had and lost... And the wind praised me with a gentle pat in the back. I walked at an even leisurely pace, pondering whether I have lost that part of me which loves and adores. That part of me which wrote hundreds of poems praisin' love when I indeed was in love. I recalled those days I would hang notes of sweet nothings near my desk to keep me going. Of course these messages were coded, to avoid suspicion from the folks. I used to think everyday, as I opened my locker at the old campus, "this locker door will exhibit my sweet face and my other half soon enough"
A Hopeful and I love that thing about me... Hmm.. Where did it go?I scanned the sky again and looked for any stray shootin' stars. I saw one on my way home 2 days back.. It was a really special one because it was purely coincidental. It was really solid bright and it had trailing sprinkles. It was shooting straight down, 180 deg. It was good while it lasted, then the sky got pitch black again.
A lot like love. I made one wish and that was,
" To be blessed with a really happy life, than anyone in the world could have"Simple wish and I know my mom will wish for the same thing too, if she sees a shootin star. I hummed the song again, thinkin bout what John said. And I analysed the situation,
" The more I lead him on, the more frustrated I would get, the more I would hurt. True, no one can ever live up to the old dude. But its unfair to hurt him by inflicting my disappointments of his inedaquacies on him, hoping he would change. At least I gave him a try. And we can still find a friend in each other if all is not lost...."I took a huge breath and heaved.
I will explain to him when we meet the next time, so he wont be hopeful.
And I want him to know that the times with him were very relaxing and fun. Going out with someone simple is sometimes all that I need after a hard day in school.The trees seemed to sway in unison, agreeing with each word I said. Lin adviced me to let go of him. I already know just what to do.
I looked down on ground and run my eyes on the dried leaves. Brown, and brittle. Fragile. Dried out of emotions and life..
I might be as inconsequential as these dried leaves, detached from the world with little or no love. I might not be motivated to meet anyone after being jaded. So young, but all so jaded. Thats sad.. I might be alone again. Oh no..Then the early verses of
Berhenti Berharap from Sheila on 7 hit me like a tidal wave. My eyes swelled and the past flashed. Total recall. Suddenly I lost control and everything felt heavy, I slumped automotically and sat on the side of the slope by the concrete path, on the dewy grass. My hands clasped my eyes and I simple cried to my hearts content. I cried to the music of the wind, and I knew it was too dark and too late for anyone to notice or hear. I soaked the edges of my night dress, the one I would wear whenever I feel dreary. Blue horizontal stripped dress. I sobbed with errectic rhythms, good enough for a gdnite lullaby for myself.
" Stop hoping, Myra.. He is indeed gone. And even if no one can replace him in entirety, I am sure the next one will be better. Don compare... Don hurt anyone if the only thing he did was to make you happy, even if he doesnt fit the bill. Everthing will be fine.."I looked at the stars and counted if there is still 8 visible stars, hoping that I didn lost a chance to wish upon a falling star while I was crying. This, would indeed be a good time, for a wish. I sat for a lil while more, thinking how far I have come in life..
From a goody-two-shoes in primary school to a prancing adult in SMU. I did what I planned for myself before 23 and thats good enough. Even if the future is bleak, even if my family and friends are too busy to love me, I still have the sky, the moon and the stars. Even if I breakdown, I know I can pick myself up without anyone by my side. Even if I slipped into the gallows of love and lost, I know, I can turn to nature to soothe the pain. Even if I ever failed in life, I will win the next battle in line. Well, it IS self consolation. For this is Me.. Myra is me..
I grabbed the nearest dried leave and held it. I cleaned the dirt away, smoothed it between my palms, held it to the sky.
I wont let this die alone..As long as I live.Myra Abd Kadir~ at 19:52
