Sunday, August 06, 2006
Gorge it all UP..burp.
Woke up with a heavy heart, so heavy I hope to wash it away by bathing. I took the Sunday Times outside the door and wished there was something to lift up my sad soul.
I really wanted die this morning. Almost all suicidal thoughts weren't incidental despite studies which indicate that people can be born destructive in nature. But self-evaluation assured me there was nothing which prompts suicidal thoughts in me cause everthing is going great in life.... (
so I choose to think... humps)
I bit fingers of chocolate to drown those thoughts. I poured glups of red date tea and pondered. Then I dragged myself to the kitchen to see if there were leftovers from yday. Then I made myself Milo and drenched the wholesome-but-dry hazelnut Chipsmores in it. I ate 4 biscuits only and I was done. I searched the chiller compartment for the Kit Kat i thought I have left cold since lastmonth but found nothing to my dismay. I put on better set of garment and head to the shop to get more titbits. I am craving for something which my brain was lazy to describe, so I merely shuffled my way into NTUC Fairprice, to see if my stomach rumbled in approval to purchase those goddies. Suicidal thought No. 1.
After gorging myself with sinful food, though I know I wont get fat, eating anything in this world, except oil, I sat on the couch. I knew if I swtiched on CNA, I would feelin more miserable. I knew it i put a movie on, I would just sleep in front of the tele and I knew if I merely sat on the couch, I would be the most satisfied person. All this while, I completely imagined my family members werent present though their noise was deafening. I saw Arif struggling with his tuition work and I told myself, "Aiyah, just teach him and pray he will do fine in life.." I performed that formidable task with intense focus and scrutiny. While coaching that dude, the family was even rowdy and I had to shout my instructions to Arif. In return, he has to shout back to let me hear him. Ok, Arif is the person who successfully told me to step back from that ledge of boredom and desperation..
And so hear I am, still thinking of gorging myself with grastromical array of junk food just to push all those negative emotions inside. Why I have those emotions inside in the first place.... I wish I knew...
Right now, I am gazing at this eagle-looking bird soaring in the endless white sky. So liberated, so strong. Suicidal thought No.2.
Myra Abd Kadir~ at 14:51
