Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Letter from my Best Bud~Lindsey
From Lindsey,
girl...this story reminds me of u...
being urself strong, independent,self-drivened and self-sufficient...i feel like u r still putting ur guards up on guys & relationship. im sure he is out there he's nt found take ur time. coz da best is yet to come. sadly, there r too few good chilvarous men ard. they're either gays or players. sucks!
da story below remind me of maself too... its from the power98.com.sg webby!
read on...
7/12/05 - TJ's Story Hey Juliet,..I luv yr show! Listen to it whenever i can if i do not have lectures/tutorials. But i never thought i would ever write to you though. My friends like to call me 'deaf', because i do not listen to song lyrics, nor do i pay much attention to song names even, so i dun usually feel particularly touched by any song. I like songs because their rythms and tunes sound appealing and that's about it. However there's just this one particular song that has caught my attention very greatly. Recently when i first heard Kelly Clarkson'sBecause of You., not that recently lah actually... I just went "ooh, what is she trying to say, who is she singing it to?" Never before have i questioned the intention of a song. I guessed it was not a typical love song; the song sounded like it entails much more, a family context/setting. I went online to search for its lyrics, and subsequently the MTV. What thhhhe? I didn't think i would bother if it were another song; but for this song, it wasn't the case. I just had to find out more. Well Juliet, the reason why i am so affected by this song, is because i relate very much with this song. Kelly Clarkson seemed to have sung out my emotions, and hitting them so aptly, so accurately; it just seem as though those words were mine & i can regurgitate them out on my own.
Her MTV/lyrics describes how her parents' relationship had soured and how they had an impact on her - her fears/reservations/attitude towards love, relationships & commitments. & when i found out it was not a made up story but her personal story that she was sharing, it made me feel even more attached to it.
My mum is a super resilent and a wonderwoman. A single working mum bringing up her 2 daughters. She has worked hard enough singlehandedly to provide us a stable home; at least we live comfortably - i dun have to worry about pocket money, i even have enough to take up multiple recreational sports and i've got the chance to travel quite often in holidays as well. So i think i am still more fortunate than others, and i am thankful. Being the elder of us 2, she frequently her disappointment, and constant reminders to choose the right man to marry, not to make the same mistakes as her.
I grew up taking some of these in stride & others with some unconscious self-deception; My mum's independence all these years have rubbed off upon me. She wants me to be strong, to be very financially independent in the future and to learn for her, never to be relianton a man. Over these 20 years of my life, i have learnt to fill up roles my dad failed to do. I am my mum's confidant, i advise my mum on certain issues, mainly money issues, and protect my younger sister . I was forced to mature & grow up early, picking up responsibilities right from a young age.
I claim that my mum has instilled independence in me. I really thought & sincerely believed this was the case. Until this song pushed me to think otherwise... Why am i so independent? I claim it's because my family circumstances required me to be so. But i found out this was only superficial, an excuse, a cover up. Sad to say that as much as my mum had good intentions behind her advice and warnings, she has made me a person capable of numbing my feelings in the face of problems & adversity, when i thought i was being resilient all these years! I found that i could not trust anyone in anything but i thought i was just being Perfectionist in >nature! And i have this condescending attitude towards guys, when until now i thought i was just being mildly feminist & budding to become an independent new-age woman! I tell others i love beingsingle; i 'complain' that relationships are 'troublesome', but irealise it all boils down to four words - afraid of being hurt.
will not make the same mistakes that you did :
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
This song made me realise...how much i have been so AFRAID I never understood why i was so 'lazy' to fall in love; don feel jealous when my friends are mostly attached while i'm >not; why when they quarrel with their bfs, that they only reinforce my belief that relationships never work out well; why i evated guys so harshly, putting them on this 'scan' mode just so effortlessly & unconsciously; why i never ever allow a guy put me down, never bowing down to them being better than me and often getting mistakened as wilful and proud by guys; and hence i fall out with some potential 'boyfriends', and never got attached. As i write this letter, i get increasingly choked with emotions. It's just so hard to suddenly wake up one day to find out that you have been mired in some mentality you've believed so strongly for solong, only to be 'exposed' and broken down by just this one song. It is too sudden and i feel quite misunderstood; misunderstood by others, and what more, misunderstood by my own self.
I found out that i have been holding on to the wrong truth for so long; i was wrong; i can't even trust myself now. I also realise that i really do not understand the word LOVE; and i have forgotten how to LOVE, i feel like a kid, so confused and i have to learn all over again,starting first with the re-definition of the word.
And it's all this song's fault!! hah..! =) But seriously it has dawned upon me lotsa things, maybe just one too many, that i'm rather overwhelmed. This song never fails to make me stop at whatever i'm doing, whenever it gets played on the radio. And sometimes it still makes me cry; even though i've broken down a no. of times already.
I feel that this is the beginning of self-discovery. I have a self-battle to fight; i would have to sort things out on my own, rethink many things, and re-evaluate the people around me, including myself. I am confident i can win this. No doubt about it. In other things my best friends can help me, but for this, i have to trash it out on my own, and i'll emerge victorous, like i always do.
So much for a song...a story... from a person who never listens to lyrics until now.
>From TJ Myra Abd Kadir~ at 13:13
