Thursday, July 01, 2010
At my limit~
Its a good thing this blog is in oblivion. I ran a seach on the web, and I couldnt find this on the 1st google.sg page as it use to. In a way, its hidden in an enclave, at least till one happy wonderer chance upon this blog. The probability of that someone, being someone I know is even that slim, Which is a good thing. I am freer sharing my emotions will complete strangers, than someone I would see again in the future. Strangers are way better at judging me, than those closer. Strangers are more sensitive to issues, as they judge you fresh, right from the start. Strangers tend to be more sympathetic, and attentive so they can assess the situation with whatever information they get first hand from me. They dont judge from the past. And strangers do not know you yet, and you dont know them, they are more interested to hear what you have to say.... I wish a wanderer who is a complete stranger might just render a random visit..
I was in the shower, and as the water from the tap beats on my forehead, I broke down. Sometimes I amaze myself, on how I could stay resolute, calm and confident, but when let alone, I crumble like cookies soaked in tea... And it felt better as I release those tears from my eyes, the tension just gentle radiates out from my aching heart. Wow... powerful tool isnt it ( of course, there is yoga and hypnosis), but this tool is nature-made. I am but alone in this.. They keep asking how would it be like if he is so far? How do you communicate? How is he doing lately? I do know those answers. Its hard, we email and FB, but I dont know how he is really doing. But I just cant say it with a straight face. I know I will crumble cause letting those words out ( to any Tom, Dickens and Charlie) is equivalent to me crumbling under my shower. Why cant they fucking don't ask? Why cant I be fucking frank to them? Why cant I control my sad ridden emotions? Sometimes, he jokes about how I think too much, memorise things too much that I become fake and hypocritical. I take a stand that I will be frank the next time someone asks.
I think I can take it slowly in my own stride to ride this alone, he has issues to resolve with himself, and I want to be strong for myself, for him and for us. I was in the shower when I saw the word 'stay', dotted on my mirror by droplets of crystal water, this was one of those times, that missing him was getting very tough. Hows that for a sign ;) Haaa, if there is one thing I am sure of, its J-Se and me, together. I said it before, I say it now, and I will say it again. I love J-Se and I can see us happily together throughout our lives.
What our plans are, the ambigious at this juncture. And I sure hope he comes around soon. I miss him alot. The distance is definately killing me.. I know its quite a sacrifice with no clear sight as to where this might lead. Trust me, its our wish for it to be clearer.
I love you Sayang, no matter what I am here and you are here in my heart, my mind and my soul. I sing your name when I get excited, and I look to our photo when I get sad. I hold my necklace when my day gets bad, and I pray for the time that you'll be here.. I miss you, like I never did before...
Myra
Myra Abd Kadir~ at 00:21
